In the midst of all of this madness, defining my life and trying to make every moment count.

First of all, there is a big Dad Update: He’s in the hospital now. His oxygen levels got too low and he was having a hard time breathing. We’re still waiting on the COVID test results. Tomorrow will be almost a week since he’s taken the test, and it’s been Day 11, since he first started having symptoms.

I’m pretty scared, about what all of this means and what could happen. But like I wrote in my last post… I have so much faith, that no matter what we’ll all be okay.

I pray all the time… asking for strength, courage, and peace. I feel like God is really answering that prayer. He may not take away this circumstance, but he is giving me the strength to get through it. I can’t change what happens in my life… but I can control my reaction to it. Right now, despite everything going on… I want to focus on joy, love, and friendship. That is what I want my life to be defined by.

Yesterday, we went to the beach for one of my friend’s birthdays. I got to surf and chill with my girl gang. We drank wayyyy too much tequila, which resulted in us making up hilarious raps (you can now call me Mon-DIZZLE SWIZZLE lol) and in generally just laughing SO SO hard. Who you surround yourself with… is *SO* important. Even in the worst moments, it can make the difference between a mediocre day and a day for the books. I’m so lucky to have them in my life.

I feel pretty good overall, but I do have moments where like the emotion of it all really hits me. Where my mom calls, and she’s sobbing and scared that my dad is going to die. Like, of course that is going to make me cry and upset me. It just also really enforces for me, the high value of our life and our time here. To make the most of every single moment we have with the ones we love. To hug them and let them know how deeply I cherish them.

Making it Count

I’ve been really thinking a lot about… when I look back on my life, what I want to be defined by. What others will remember about me.

I have always felt like, I *don’t* want a mediocre life. I want one where I wake up genuinely excited about the day in front of me. I just want 100yr old Monica to look back on my life and be incredibly proud of me and the choices I’m making and the people I surround myself with. I can’t be someone who settles. I want to take big chances. Have massive failures that I learn from. To be known for my kindness and humor, and my insane ability to never stop trying. I’m just slowly working on how to get there.

I feel like a big part of that… is choosing who to spend my life with. I don’t want to look back and choose Davide for the wrong reasons. I want to choose him because I genuinely believe he is my soulmate and we’re going to have an epic life together. So I’ve been really focusing on our relationship. Am I showing up as the most incredible fiancé everyday? Is he?

We started by having steamy makeup sessions a few times a day. Whew, boyyy. That’s been FUN. We started really discussing what our dream life and dream relationship would look like, even in the midst of the pandemic and everything going on with my dad. It’s been fun to have us both ambitiously work towards that. I have some extensive time off coming up, and while I can’t do the kind of trips I had been dreaming of… there still is so much I *can* do. So we’re planning out camping trips, researching other areas we can do. We’re thinking when things calm down a bit on the mainland, we may fly out to Colorado in a month or so and rent an RV and just start hitting up National Parks. I’ve always wanted to do the whole RV camping thing across the US. So that may be cool.

When I think what I’m most attracted to in our relationship, it’s his kindness and his consistency with me. When I’m REALLY going through a hard time, he is just so supportive. And I feel like, I’m making the right choice for that reason. That’s exactly what I need in my life. From my partner. I also feel like our chemistry has never been better. I catch him checking me out allll the time, and I just feel super confident in us and what I mean to him.

Victim Mindset

I feel like, an abnormal amount of shitty things tend to happen to me. I mean, seriously, I’ve struggled with depression & anxiety, I was molested as a child, physically abused by my parents, I’ve been raped several times, I’ve been cheated on and had my heart broken, I’ve been SO broke that I lived off of ramen for a time. And I’ve experienced so much loss… with people I love dying.

None of that is meant to be a Debbie Downer kind of thing, those are just the realities of my life. Someone who used to be my friend, once told me that sometimes I get this victim mindset. No one has ever told me that before in my life! It’s something I’ve talked with Davide about extensively, and he doesn’t think that’s it at all… but my gut tells me, that my old friend was right. And that isn’t who I want to be. I want to be better than that. I don’t want this “Woe is me” and talking about the shitty things. And I really want people to say that I took incredibly hard things and made them into positives.

He’s been talking about eloping again soon. And honestly, at the rate how well things are going in our relationship, I’m starting to feel open to it. Of course, I want to see how things go with my dad and make sure we’re safe with the pandemic. But the way he treats me, when I’m going through the hardest times… especially when I screw up. I just feel really confident about it. About us. That I do want to start a family. That I’m feeling settled down, and could see myself being thrilled with being a mother.

I kinda think… maybe everything that happened… with all the doubts that I had, happened for a reason. To show me, what was out important to me in a marriage. And the more I think about it, the more convinced I am, that I’m making the very best choice for me. Someone who completely loves and cherishes me. Who is my biggest cheerleader and support system. My very best friend.

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