I really really hate it when someone says “it’s just not possible. I had no choice, etc” because that isn’t true.
We all have complete control of our lives. Our decisions and whether something is a priority to us, or it’s just not. While we can’t control what happens to us, but we do control our reactions and what we decide to make with the cards we’ve been dealt.
Over the weekend Davide and I had a disagreement. And it sucked. It really did. I was in the worst mood over it and it really weighed heavy on my heart… because he was right. He had called me out on my shit. And it meant… I had a big choice to make.
How it happened
So we’re going through pre-marital counseling, not because we have an issues, but because we want to make sure we have the most incredible foundation for our marriage and family. Surprisingly, it was Davide’s idea. He thought it would help with my cold feet.
It’s been really good for us. I wanted to make sure that I was with someone who knows my heart intimately and my mistakes, who wasn’t going to hold it over my head… but instead accept me and move forward. And I feel super super good about that.
While things have always been good in the bedroom, it’s managed to spice things up with us even more. I’ve always asked Davide about what he likes and craves, but he’s so easy going about everything he always kinda gave me non-answers until recently. So now I’ve been buying more of what he likes, texting him photos of it and encouraging him to come home early lol. It’s been working SUPER well!
The thing that’s had the biggest impact is, this new thing we do called “No bullshit”.
Where we give each other space to spit out the wildest dreams, no judgement, no getting shot down, and then we hypothetically talk about what it would take to do it, and if it’s worth it and should be a priority to us.
So what caused the disagreement was, Davide blurted our that he wants us to start a family. My gut reaction was to shoot it down. Instead, I gave him space to dream about it, and then we did ‘no bullshit’ to see what it would take.
For Davide, he was like “get off birth control and let’s go.” That’s all it’ll take. He felt like otherwise we were in perfect positions to start our family.
So I’m like, “Hold up. I’m not going to get knocked up, unless we’re married.”
He asks me, “Okay, then no bullshit what would that take for that to happen for us now?”
This is a conversation we’ve had quite a bit. So I went down my list:
- I want to feel like our relationship is solid
- I want my family to feel included
- and I feel like I need time for both of those things.
So then he made me do ‘No bullshit’ on feeling like our relationship is solid. And honestly, we’re already doing every single thing. I do feel great about us. I just felt like, why jump in? We don’t have anything to prove. We can wait till after the pandemic, and go from there.
And his answer was simple: Because I want kids, now, and you won’t have them with me unless we’re married. Then he called me out, majorly. He said “It’s not that you can’t marry me right now, it’s that it’s not a priority to you right now. So either make it a priority or admit to that so we can fix it.”
He was right and he knew it. He drove his point home even further by sleeping on the couch that night and didn’t show up for our usual shower in the morning. Which… made me feel like the guilt was eating me alive.
Then he left and worked on the remodel. I went out for a surf session. I wrote a whole lot. I searched my heart. I prayed. And I knew he was right. So I had a choice… either I give up on Davide, we start a family without the wedding, or we get married.
The thing that kept holding me up, was the idea of The One. Like…. how do I know for sure that HE was The One? I love him! I love our life together! But finally it hit me… The One isn’t something the universe chooses for you. Like it molds the perfect person for you and plops them into your life and you just know that they’re The One. That isn’t real life… The One is who YOU CHOOSE. He’s the one that shows up for you and never gives up. And he’s the one that you don’t want to let go. So, Davide IS The One. Which means I need to marry him soon.
I invited him out for sunset, by texting him a really heartfelt message and a pic of this new underwear set I was wearing. Then I made this whole spread of all of his favorite things, and waited for him at the beach. He is always the one to do the big sweeping romantic gestures. Flowers, presents, hand written notes, picnics, pulling me in for a slow dance out of no where… and it was my turn. Davide is my person, am I going to fight for him? Am I going to make what’s important to him a priority in my life too?
We had this little cove to ourselves, and I did the whole grand gesture. I surprised him. I really apologized. I opened up to him. We discussed my cold feet. And then we started discussing what it would take to get married now.
As much as I want our families involved, I’m not going to be selfish and put anyone at risk for our wedding. If someone caught COVID at our wedding, I don’t care who it is… I would feel horrible. Even if we did it on Kauai, which is probably like the safest place in the US right now… I don’t want to be the kind of person that only thinks of themselves in a pandemic like this. That just isn’t who I want to be. A big party can wait. So if this is really about our commitment to each other, then let’s make that the main focus… and keep it extremely small. It’s not like we feel like we need the validation from everyone of a big wedding. So we’ll put most of budget into a videographer and photos to make everyone feel included. Then next year when this pandemic lets up and it’ll be safe to, we’ll do a commitment ceremony for our friends and family. We’ll have a HUGE party and we can all celebrate together.
So… that means we’re officially wedding planning again. It’s either going to happen here on Maui or on Kauai.