Nerves about the wedding

We’ve been scouting beaches we want to get married on, since we’ve been leaning towards just getting married here. We ended up on one of my favorite ones. I love it because it’s kinda off the beaten path and you have to walk thru some trees to see it.

We go for a long walk. He can sense my nerves. I’m not my usual bubbly self. He picks me up and throws me over his shoulder.
“Babe. Put me down!” I cry pulling my dress down making sure I’m not flashing any children with my bikini bottoms.
“Nope.” He replies shifting me and resting one of his hands up between my thighs. I squeal and squirm more.
“Settle.” He commands. So I take a deep breath and do. Soon after he sets me down, making sure he drags my body against the front of his. The damn tease. He intertwines our fingers and spins me around before dazzling me with the smile that he reserves just for me.
“What’s on your mind, babe?” He prodes.

I don’t know what to say… I have *so* much on my mind. Like how I believe that the quality of my relationships, determine the quality of my life. So here he is… my future husband and I’m like mentally scrolling through our relationship. The quality of our marriage is going to impact my happiness for the rest of my life. Are we strong enough? Happy enough? Are we *both* growing? Inspiring each other? Are we both getting the support we need? Are all of our desires getting fulfilled? The respect I feel for him… is it unparalleled? Like… it’s all hitting me hard right now. I know what’s in my heart. I know that I love him and how grateful I am for him. That isn’t even a question for me. But it’s the massive commitment that we’re facing. It’s the complete ease that he has that I am *totally* his person… his soulmate. He literally has not even a slight hesitation about me and our future. And I’m freaked out… that I do.

I remember when we first met, I was super blunt with him, and I was like, “I know you’re saying all these things and that you love me. But I don’t get tied down. You need to prepare yourself for the fact that I may not be your wife. We’re just having fun.” and he wouldn’t accept that. He shook his head, he was like “No. I know you’re my future wife and who I’ve always dreamed of. I will do anything to make this work.” And he has that same intensity with me now. On so many levels… I respect that. He is the one person who hasn’t given up on me because of his intensity. But is SO SURE.

I snap back, realizing… he asked me a question. One that I don’t feel like I can really answer right now. We’ve had this conversation. I’ve been open about all of this. But, as we’re starting to make decisions… the weight of them are hitting me deeply and I keep finding myself lost in thought. So I give him a soft smile. We keep walking. He tugs of my hand, pulls me into his chest and kisses me so hard I’m breathless.

His hand grabs my ass and he growls in my ear, “Get out of that pretty head of yours.” I nod silently. He’s right. I’m thinking too much. So I wrap my arms around his neck and leverage myself to wrap my legs around his waist, I climb my mountain of a man. He walks with me being a monkey around him. Kissing me hard. Then shifts me to his back. I rest my head on his shoulder.

“So are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?” he asks again
I chew on my lip before asking him,“Where would your life be, if I hadn’t walked onto the ferry that one day?”
“I’d be dead.” He replies sharply. I roll my eyes and groan. “C’mon babe.” I plead.
“I’m serious. I was dead before I met you. I still would be if it wasn’t for you.”
“Dead.” I repeat.
“Yep. Only with you do I come to life.” He replies.
“Oh.” I reply. Actually, that’s pretty sweet. Drastic, but sweet. Not sure what to make of this new information. I want him to always feel alive and happy. But sometimes the intensity of his love and how he pursues me… it makes my heart pound and it catches me off guard.
“Where would you be Monica Marie?” He asks. I stare out at the ocean and think about it.
“I think I would’ve still ended up moving to Hawaii. Actually I think I’d be here on Maui.” The way Maui happened, it felt so organic and my friends here… this feels like home for now.
“Yeah? Shacked up with some island boy?” He asks chuckling.
I shake my head. “Nah. You know me. Chilling with my friends. Living the glorious single lady life.” What I don’t say… is I can’t see myself being into the island boys here. I like driven. I like people actively chasing a dream or their best self… and that’s rare here. Most people are happy surfing, drinking, and being high all day and I want so much more. It’s part of the reason I’m so picky with my friends here.
He laughs loudly “Bulllllllshit baby. You need to be fucked way too often to be single.”
I gasp and whack his shoulder. “I’d be juuuuuust fine. Thank you!”
He grins and kisses me hard again. Thankfully that was enough to distract me from my nerves. We sit on a patch of sand just grinning at each other.

When we realize that we pretty much have the whole beach to ourselves, he grins at me and asks “wanna practice?” And I light up instantly. “yes!” I had started following this new couple of IG that inspired me to want to learn one of their moves. Davide and I have been practicing at home, but we didn’t have quite enough room. He kisses the tip of my nose and then we then jump up to practice this once dance move over and over. I run at him, he lifts me easily and I do my best to balance before dismounting. We make a few mistakes. We laugh and laugh, but by the end we’ve pretty much got the hang of it.

Rekindling the spark

We have our standing date nights each week. Even in the middle of lockdown Covid madness, we haven’t skipped them, even if it’s just simple picnic on the lanai. They have always been fun, but lately they have been kinda… I dunno. It’s starting to feel routine. They were losing their spark. We’d just do the same thing each time.

So we came up with “surprise date nights” where every other date night, we take turns and it’s our job to surprise the other.

For my date night, we got sushi to go, then drove upcountry to catch the sunset. I brought my Bluetooth speaker, blasted country music and we danced. Just us in this random field and it was magicccc. We took some country dance classes together and every now and then I’ll convince Davide to learn a new lift or line dance with me. Usually we only practice on our lanai, but Davide is shy because our neighbors can see us there. That and it’s not a ton of room for us to do the lifts. Up here… it’s just us and we got lost in the music. We’re actually gotten really good. I kinda can’t wait for our wedding reception. It’s going to be so much fun to show off our moves.

I taught him the line dance for Fake ID (which is also in Footloose) and SO SO much fun.

If I had to say the one thing that I miss from pre-pandemic, was nights out line dancing at Cowboy Country in Long Beach or Salsa dancing at Sevilla. Oh gosh, or going to The Bungalow and having dance offs to Beyonce in the cool night air with my friends. I miss alllll of that deeply. But I’d take dancing with my guy here in a field in beautiful up country any day.

Davide’s turn for date night was last night. We got our favorite Thai food and he brought painting supplies. We went to the park and he laid out a picnic and then gave me a painting lesson. It was the sweetest. I love watching him create.

I feel like Covid is making us a stronger couple, but I still have major nerves about the wedding.

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