So, you wanna learn about me? Well… it’s complicated and pretty juicy. I don’t hold much back.
Cliff notes version:
My happy place is the ocean. I play the guitar, but my real passion is writing. Which is why I made this little corner of this Internet. I’m often smiling and looking for the bright side. Born and raised in California, but I spend a lot of time in Kauai with my extended family.
People are usually most curious about my job and the traveling I do. Both things are probably the most superficial parts of me. I have a really cool job, but I can be a workaholic and I think I like to travel because I’m constantly searching for the feeling of home.
From the outside my life seems picture perfect. That’s only because I hide the things that matter. Like the years of sexual abuse. My super conservative upbringing. My fucked up parental situation. The sometimes crippling anxiety and depression. Or how I was always in search of a love that I was never given. Infidelity in every single one of my relationships up until this point. I tend to write about that a lot.
I feel like people write me off as ‘Pretty’ and don’t expect much substance from me. For some reason this drives me crazy. I crave challenges. I love to work out and take pride in my body, but outside of that… I don’t care too much about appearances. Makeup is for clowns and I feel sexiest when I’m covered in sand.
If I could sum me up in a sentence a two, I’d say that I’m a kind soul that always seems to be caught in a conflict between a strong mind and a fragile heart. I’m someone that’s determined to be soul food in a world full of eye candy.
So, yeah… that’s me.
Want more juicy details?
I was born into a really conservative and religious household. My father had a temper and would get physically abusive, my mother was… indifferent. The dad stuff sucked, but was usually fairly easy to control. My most difficult relationship with my mother. When I was 16, I finally figured out it was because the man who raised me was not my father (which was a shock to us both). I still wonder if it’s because my mom hates ME or I just remind her of this big mistake she once made.
As a teenage girl, I often compensated for my parents lack of love, in my choice of a boyfriend at the time. I never really had trouble finding a boyfriend. With silky long brown hair, piercing eyes that sparkle with humor, a sexy figure, and an easy smile- guys thought I was strikingly beautiful. Beautiful was never enough for me, I had to be The Best. Smart, Funny, and Beautiful.
Problem was… no matter how perfect I tried to be, I had trust issues with men and always seemed to pick the wrong ones that were always disloyal.
I’m a survivor of sexual abuse and physical abuse. I’ve been raped, multiple times over the years, starting from when I was a child. I’m also a survivor of the accompanying depression and anxiety that comes hand in hand with abuse like that. I survived several suicidal attempts, and feel lucky to be alive. (Dear Reader, don’t worry- I’m okay now, my life isn’t in danger. This isn’t a cry for help. I’m really okay now).
Most people don’t know that about me. Mostly I’m known by my friends for my good humor and being successful with my career.
I was ambitious from a young age. I had to hustle in order to get away from my family situation and make it on my own. I ended up creating several successful businesses that I sold. Now I work in tech, for one of the largest remote companies- on a project I’m incredibly passionate about. Career-wise I’m successful, I love working hard… but for many years it’s all I did. So there is a lot of emptiness in it for me.
The only thing I knew for sure about myself from a young age, was that I was meant to have a great Love. I was meant to find my other half.
I recently found this piece that I wrote about My Love Life years ago, and decided to add it below. I don’t think I can write anything more honest about myself, so excuse the third-person narrative.
For Monica, her story was always going to be all about Love. It’s the thing that matters to her the most. So let’s start at the beginning. I’m not going to tell you about them all, but just the important ones.
Summer Romance with The One
It was an important summer, Monica met two very important people on the same day. One was her very best friend and the other was Andrew. From the moment she first saw him, her heart quickened and he made her nervous in ways that no other boy had. Andrew had brown spikey hair, deep brown eyes, and a smile that could leave her breathless. Andrew’s joking ways collided perfectly with Monica’s quick wit, which sparked an inextinguishable fire between them.
They quickly fell in love. They stayed up until all hours of the night cuddling and talking around the light of a campfire. Only to fall asleep on the sand together warmed by the afternoon sun. Andrew fell in love with Monica’s quick wit which guarded the kindest heart he had ever known.
Sex was important to him and Monica drove him wild. He was scared of how deeply he fell in love with her in such a short time, he knew she’d break him. He wasn’t ready for her to walk into his life. So in the end, his lust for immediate sex won out and Andrew got back together with an ex-girlfriend. Andrew and Monica became best friends instead and later roommates. There were so many moments between them over the years, full of attraction and sexual chemistry but neither of them acting on it, too scared to lose their friendship.
This broke Monica’s heart too deeply, she had thought that Andrew could’ve been The One. In a short time he had surpassed the years she had spent with her high school boyfriend. She spent nights crying and weeks moping but she threw herself into her passions of surfing and music.
After this point, Monica began experiencing more family troubles then ever before. She moved out on her own to get away from her insanely crazy family and took care of herself. This was a hard task- but she bore it gladly. She dated many boys that thought she might be the one. She was too broken to take any of them seriously.
When Monica first met Dan, it wasn’t anything special. He was tall and skinny, his ears poked out in a funny way, but his eyes were kind. At first Monica mostly ignored Dan- but his persistence paid off. She started to spend more and more time with Dan. Dan loved Monica from the very start, she was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He had a kind way about him. He had a good heart and Monica valued that and eventually fell in love with him.
During one of Monica’s business trips to Hawaii, Dan cheated on her and fucked one of his friends. It took awhile for Monica to find out. In fact it happened by chance. She had come across Dan’s friends blog which recounted the details of Dan’s betrayal. When Monica learned of his betrayal all she could do was cry. She instantly fell out of love with Dan. Soon after Dan proposed to her, she said No and ended it all.
Dan still cared deeply for Monica and continued to write her love poems and songs for many years. Monica cared about the man she had spent years with but there was little else to it for her- she still resented him for treating her so horribly. He did everything in his power to be close to her again. By then he was just a distant memory to her. She was civil but never returned his feelings.
The Abusive Fiancé
After Dan, Monica ended up dating Josh Johnson (JMJ). He was good looking model and was driven. JMJ had a tough life and thought he deserved the best. His idea of happiness with a lot of money, a trophy wife, and family. At the time he was a store manager for Radio Shack in Yorba Linda and drove a convertible. Monica was attracted to JMJ- but it was his driven personality that made him special to her. Monica liked that she could focus on her career and work and not have to be bothered with taking care of someone else.
JMJ fell in love with Monica from the start. On their second date, he joked he was going to marry Monica, and did everything in his power to woo her.
JMJ was very passionate and although he respected Monica’s purity he began slyly seeking outlets for his lust. It started with his best friends sister and then grew to his ex-girlfriend. When Monica found out, it broke her and for some reason despite all of her past betrayal she believed his apologies and promises for it to never happen again. She did love him and because of that worked thru his betrayal. Soon after, he proposed and they became engaged.
That’s when things began to change, his betrayal had made him controlling to the point of physical violence. He tracked Monica’s phone and all of her movements. Screamed in her face if she spoke to another guy. Controlled what she wore, calling her a slut. If a guy hit on her, he’d grab her arm and yank her away- leaving bruises. Monica hated being controlled- so she fought back, which was a bad idea. He’d hit her, choke her, and made her too scared to leave him. She felt stuck he always apologized later and she did love him but she was scared what he’d do to her.
Monica’s family wasn’t doing well at this point. Her dad lost his business and their beautiful family home. Since Monica was doing well, she moved them in with her, but this meant returning to the religion as well. Monica’s main concern was her little sister, who she loved more than anyone else on the earth. This made JMJ’s behavior even more erratic since Monica didn’t move in with him.
In the middle of this chaos, Monica sought solitude in the blogging website (the one she found out about her ex Dan’s cheating from). Monica loved it because she was able to write to her hearts content. She liked that for once it wasn’t about her looks. Then one fateful Spring day, Monica came across a boy named Josh.
The Love of her Life
Josh was younger then her, but strikingly handsome with passionate and funny writings. Together they forged a friendship. Monica felt an instant attraction for her online friend. Later she realized that the attraction for someone online was stronger than that of her fiancé, combined with JMJ’s controlling ways…. Monica ended their engagement and relationship with JMJ. He spun out of control, got physically abusive- grabbed her hair and tried to choke her. Somehow Monica got away, she moved and hid herself so he’d never find her again. Then quietly struggled with her own anxiety and depression. For years she hid from him- refusing to have any online presence, in fact- she invested heavily in staying off the grid. She didn’t want to be found.
Soon after her breakup with JMJ, Monica and Josh took their flirting to all time highs. There was no denying it, there was attraction there. Little did she know, but this move forever changed Monica. She had thrown away her relationship with JMJ and all the plans for their future of a family together- for a boy that she met online.
For the first time, Monica fell in love with someone from the inside out. Josh was young and clearly a player, she could never get a clear reading on Josh, he was hot and cold. She should’ve known better… but she saw something in him. Something great. From the very start, Monica loved Josh differently from all the guys that came before him. Their barks, giggles, and chemistry made her fall in love with him.
Josh and Monica ended up being together for 10 years. Their relationship was full of so much love, hope, insane sexual chemistry, betrayal, laughter, and ultimately was two people who loved each other more than anything and they did their best to figure out life together.
Over the years, he cheated too many times to count and they broke up and got back together often, usually over something he had done or had lied about. They tried having an open relationship. Monica was resentful about the cheating, so she prioritized everything else over Josh, since being with him meant losing her family. Instead she focused on being anywhere else but home and her career. Maybe also, she felt it coming… that he would break her in ways no one else ever had. They tried to include other people in their relationship, but lies kept coming up. Somehow they survived it all together. At the time it seemed that the one thing that could never seem to break was the love they had for each other.
Josh had proposed many many times over the years. Finally Josh said they needed to start planning an elopement, and Monica agreed. Engagement ring stopping and wedding planning began! Monica was excited about the prospect of spending the rest of her life with Josh. She had always loved him and believed in him more than anything. Over the years they had grown together and been through the worst. While she was tired of his lies, what she wanted more than anything was to start a family and spend the rest of her life with him. She thought he’d be the best husband, father, and partner. She couldn’t see herself spending her life with anyone else and wanted to marry him for that reason.
Until one day, something came up that they were unable to survive. Josh fell for his coworker, Alex. He had spent months flirting with her and lying to Monica about her, they had spent months arguing about her. It got to a point where he had lied about her too many times. He had already asked for permission to fuck her in their open relationship, with Monica wasn’t cool with- since this was a coworker and that’d be too messy. When they broke up, it was because Josh needed to fuck Alex more than he loved Monica.
That’s when Monica realized that the Great Love she thought they shared was a lie and her heart shattered. Josh was unaffected and cold. The way he shut her out and the things he said, it was clear he wanted to hurt her and would never think of her again.
Josh moved on with Alex and in a short period of time, loved her more than he had ever loved Monica. Josh and Monica never spoke again like the 10 years they spent together meant absolutely nothing. It was the worst possible ending to a love that meant the world to Monica. Would Josh ever regret giving up on her? Would Monica ever be able to recover from it?
Monica’s life fell apart when she lost the man she thought was going to be her life partner. Her biological father passed away, she got raped (again), she left her religion and was disowned by almost every single person she knew and sunk into one of the most difficult periods of her life. She desperately reached out for help from Josh and people she had considered friends… but no one was there. So she did her best to hold on and fight, but in the end all she could think about was how she didn’t want to live anymore. Every breath only aggravated the pain from her shattered heart. She attempted suicide.
She was hit with the realization that every single one of her worst fears had come true. No one loved her, not her parents, not her friends, not the love of her life. She decided the world would be better off without her. In her mind this would be the easiest way, no more pain for anyone.
So as not to trigger anyone… I won’t go into details. I made an attempt, that was way way too close. Someone saved me and I managed to survive.
After coming so close to death, she decided to make that her wake up call. She was a survivor after all.
Monica decided to focus on herself. On fixing the broken pieces that she had only let Josh see before. If she could face death, she could face those fears too. She went back to Kauai to try and center herself and find a path forward.
She became determined to be the very best version of herself and as a result fell in love with the person she found in the mirror. Who had been there all along. She soon realized that she was the only place where she was really able to find the substance and depth she craved.
For awhile, Monica didn’t believe it was possible to ever move on from Josh. She had loved him too much and too deeply. Life without him felt impossible and she still missed him. But she wasn’t going to attempt suicide again- life continued to march on and she knew she had to make a difference, to turn the pain into something constrcutive. Which meant living without Josh. He never loved her and had cut her out completely from his life- forgetting she had ever exisited. It was a tough fact to face, but the sooner she could face it… the sooner she could let someone else in. He once meant the world to her and will always mean something, but they’re no longer in each other’s lives and that’s a good thing. Monica deserved someone who would truly love her forever instead of leaving her alone with nothing to hold onto but a broken heart and broken promises.
Kauai Boy 🔥
Soon after, Monica met Dusty. He was tall, handsome, and always smiling. He was smart and accomplished everything he set his mind on. The way he looked at Monica made her skin tingle. They quickly fell into a steamy romance, full of skinny dipping, making love on the beach, and surfing for hours.
Dusty made her realize that she had so much life ahead of her. Maybe there was still hope for her, maybe she would find her life partner and someone to have a family with.
Eventually, she realized if she was ever going to be the kind of woman who was worthy of having a family, she needed more time to focus on fixing herself. So she ended it with Dusty and kept moving forward with her life.
For awhile she had a few casual relationships, but she mostly focused on taking care of herself and becoming the best person she knew how to be.
Meeting my Future Husband
In a bold move, she went on a trip to Italy by herself in search of an adventure and ended up meeting Davide. Who was indeed a great adventure. He was 32, super handsome, with perfect hair, a genuine smile, and a great sense of humor. Their chemistry was explosive from the start. They had met on a ferry, where he worked hard to charm her into going on a date with him. Monica was impressed, and finally agreed to a first date… which happened a few hours later and afterwards led to them making love on the beach that night. Not only was he well-hung, Davide was an incredible lover.
Within 24hrs Davide had quickly realized Monica was unlike anyone he had ever met before and he couldn’t imagine spending a day without hearing her laugh. At first Monica just enjoyed the company of this gorgeous Italian man, but soon realized there was something really special between them. There was never awkward silences or annoying small talk. They shared their dreams, believed in each other, discussed their biggest fears and he made her laugh so hard she forgot about her shattered heart.
He convinced her to let him join her on the rest of her European trip and they quickly fell in love. Traveling to Venice, Lake Como, Paris, and Rome. He suddenly became her partner in crime. He was there for every up and down, encouraging her and making her laugh. Finally when it was time to fly home Monica couldn’t stand the thought of not seeing Davide again, and at the last minute decided not to fly home- she didn’t want to leave Davide, so she went back to Positano with him.
They couldn’t keep their hands off each other and Monica fell in love not only with Davide, but his family and his life. Positano had been the city she had always dreamed of, and now sharing it with Davide felt like a dream come true. She could start to see her life with him but eventually she had to return home for work.
After she left, Davide was miserable. When Monica walked into his life, it was like his whole universe had shifted. Davide despite his strong demeanor and his string of girlfriends, was a hopeless romantic. He had been searching for a great Love. Someone who was beautiful, kind, and would inspire him. He had never seen anyone as beautiful as Monica, but that wasn’t what made her special. He had fallen in love with her beautiful soul and sharp mind.
In the short time he knew her, Monica had already made him feel like a better man. She challenged him, seduced him, and supported him all at the same time. He felt like he had hit the jackpot and there was no way he was going to give up on Monica. He found himself daydreaming about being a Husband and a Father with her. That’s when he knew she was It for him. Finding Monica was like finding his other half, he felt complete and so damn lucky. Marrying her became his dream.
They hadn’t been separated for long when Davide surprised Monica by flying out to see her, and proposed. Monica loved Davide very much, so she said yes. Just like that their whirlwind romance turned into an engagement.
</end of my story thus far>
If you made it this far, thanks for reading about my journey.
My life is be no means perfect. It’s been full of so much pain and heartache. That isn’t what matters though, because even in those times of pain… there is so much Hope.
It was been quite a journey to get here. Yet here I am, full of so much life and love. The journey made me stronger, it made me a better person.
I’m going to make a difference in this world. I’m going to help those who haven’t been nearly as fortunate as me. I’m going to make the world a better place.